Sometimes I just want to look, unashamed, into your eyes. But I always break down in tears, knowing it is impossible. Putting your life on the line...what were you thinking? Honor? Pride? I don't understand. Is that a sign? I'm not meant for this, but I want it more than anything. I want to be a part of the reason you smile. But I'm not seeing me fitting into that picture...I only see a shadow...a silhouette that I can never fill. I'm not a big enough person. I'm not strong. I'd probably be dying everyday without you, but something within me calls me to be better. To be bigger. Maybe I haven't reached my full potential yet, and someday I will be big enough to fill the shoes you place before me everyday. You challenge me. You encourage me, and I'm just sad I'm not big enough. I want to be, but I hate letting you down, constantly! Maybe looking into your eyes is the test and I'm never gonna pass it because I'm so scared of what I'll find behind those blue irises. I'm more than scared, I'm terrified. It's a constant game in my head. I make myself believe it can work, then I make excuses for how it never would...and then I'm left with my tears, STILL no answer! I'm a wanderer and either you're doing a terrible time leading me, or I'm just directionally challenged. Cause I've been stuck here for far too long. How much longer can I really wait? Is that what you want? You want me to wait it out, to prove myself? Please say so and get it over with. I've dreamt enough empty dreams for all of us...maybe you could be the one to wake me up. Maybe you could save me from my sleeplessness.
