I am so disgusted with myself sometimes. Here I go driving through those cornfields again, watching the sunlight stream through in perfect lines. But instead of the usual bitter hatred boiling in my blood at the sight of farmland, I am bursting with excitment for fall and for sunrises and sunsets and the crunch of leaves underfoot. First of all: I hate fall. Second: I'm not a cornfield kind of girl. Why would I feel such a love toward something I've loathed almost all my life? What has changed within me? Who am I becoming? Two years ago I could have laid it all out in a line for you, but now everything is cloudy, foggy, murky. whatever you want to call it. I've somehow morphed into someone entirely different, and I can't determine that day or the hour it occurred, I just know I'm not the same....I think that's a good thing? But you can never really tell till later down the road, right? That's life. Cycles. Phases. Constantly snatching away love and replacing with someone, something, strange, new, unknown. and you're expected to take it into your heart and love it just like the love that had just been ripped out of you. It's hopeless sometimes, but then I have these moments I believe there is hope somehow. There is something to look forward to, right? I'm not just spinning out of control in a burning universe. No, I know there's purpose. I know there's something beyond this tiny lens I see through. I know outside of how I've changed I really am just Kaitlyn Nicole. I'm not any louder, I'm not any stranger. I'm not any smaller. I'm just me, only stronger. Only more hopeful. More alive. Don't ask me how, I just woke up this week and it was as plain before me as the cornfield sunrise.
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