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Thursday, August 26, 2010 5:09 PM,
Sometimes I'm pretty sure you are totally deaf or blind to everything I say and do...I mean really? How much clearer can I be? And why would you make me wait around like this? I hate waiting, and I wish you knew that. You should know that...is that a sign? Because if you don't know that then how well do you really know me? Actually, scratch that. I hardly know you. But that's the point. I want to know you! I want to you know you so much more. I want to be that person you tell everything. I want to be your confidant. But I feel like at this point that's next to impossible. There you go, leaving me again. Oh wait, were you ever really there in the first place? I think I imagined most of our time together...because now looking back, we never WERE together. I fantasize, WHAT CAN I SAY! It's the definition of Kaitlyn Nicole since the day she was birthed. seriously. I don't take things seriously, and then when I finally do..it's too late. Typical me, not realizing what I could have had till it's walking out the door. Suuuuu-prise, suuuu-prise. (hopefully you know how to say that, because otherwise...well i can't help you there.)I'm a calamity. Isn't that just the best word. I am a mess. I am always forever changing my mind, always forever showing my true colors at the wrong moment and hiding them when they should be displayed. I don't know how to handle myself, so why do I expect you to? Another flaw: high expectations. Especially on the ones I love. and yes, I tend to think anyone that means something to me deserves my love. When in reality, a lot of them don't. It sounds cruel and awful, but it's the disgusting truth. Truth never was pretty....at least not to me.
So what is this rant about? Nothing really. It's totally pointless. Because you will never read it, and I will never have the guts to tell you. and we'll keep going round and round on this roller coaster of hellos and goodbyes. except I believe there was only ever one hello. the goodbyes are unfortunately endless in our case. And I hate that. I hate that I fell for you...out of all people. Why? I could have picked the safe guy. But no, I chose risk and danger and something completely unpredictable! But maybe in the end it will pay off. Maybe somehow you will be worth it. I know if you're who I think you are...that you will totally be worth everything. Every trial. Every almost tear. Every almost scream. Every half-smile. Because I'm not whole-heartedly in this yet. It's sad to say, but I've got one foot in the water and one on land because I'm so afraid of falling, and knowing your arms won't reach far enough to catch me. You're stuck in your dream and I'm on the sidelines trying to cheer you on, but realizing I'm not good enough. I wasn't made for this job. I was made for my dreams, not just yours. And mine aren't really aligned with yours. A sad realization...but one that has helped me let go. Let go and move on. That's what life is about isn't it? Learning to let go of the things you thought you loved the most. Then you realized you weren't even using the word love in the right way at all! You hardly knew how to spell it, yet you threw it around like a tossed salad. Weird analogy, I know. But there you have it, Kaitlyn Nicole. She's completely impatient, lives in a fantasy, and makes analogies about salads.
Are you sure you're prepared to love someone like me? post a comment (0)
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