For once in my life, I want to be chased. Pursued I guess you could say. I want someone to practically hunt me down! I've spent too much time trying to convince guys to chase me...I shouldn't have to do that anymore. It's time to just sit back, become completely helplessly in love with God, and wait for him to come find me. I've seen first hand the mistakes of taking the man's job. You think by giving him a little shove in the right direction you're helping, but really you're only hindering him. And when hinting isn't enough somehow you feel like it's your responsibility to get the ball rolling. Well, it's not. And I'm glad I'm finally realizing this. God made me a great mystery and I haven't been playing that role at all. I've been playing the love sick girl who is obsessed! Not a pretty picture. Time to distance myself and look around. I've had blinders on...it's time to enjoy the scenery. I haven't done that in quite a while. I'm the kind of person with intense focus when I choose to put it into practice, and he was my target for a long time. Over a year! But suddenly my gaze has been diverted and it wasn't coincidence. And at first I was completely broken over that fact, but now I'm beginning to see what a blessing that diversion was. I'm finally opening my eyes! For the first time in over a year I'm breathing in and out without your permission. I'm free! And that sounds awful. I wasn't really a "slave." No, you're not a slave if you CHOOSE to live that way. I wasn't forced into anything. I just made a pact within myself to love this person no matter how many times they screwed me or ignored me completely or made me last in their priorities. And usually this kind of unconditional love is admired. But in this case I was a door mat and didn't know it. It wasn't honorable for me to love like this...it was dangerous. Instead of surrendering to Christ first, I had completely bowed down before this mortal man! It's even appalling for me to admit. And the worst part is that at least once a day since I opened my eyes I still secretly wish I could go back to you and I've even started to slip the blinders back on!! But no. I have to be strong. As amazing as he was...he's not worth enslaving myself any longer. I think to myself...maybe in a different time...a different place...maybe we could have worked. But today, at this time, in this room....no. I can't say yes to you anymore! Before I'd say yes a million times no matter how the statistics lined up, I would hopelessly fall for your happily ever after. But today I'm a different person. I'm sticking up for myself today. No one owns me. I had prided myself in "belonging" to you...now I cringe at the thought. Well, not yet, but I know I will soon. It's a process that takes time. Luckily, I do have that time. I have another month or so until college and I'm using it to grow closer to God and learn and grow and ground myself. Sadly, I know with you still in the picture that would be a much more difficult job for me. I hate to say it, but you were a huge distraction and I know now I needed to let you go. I'm glad you were gracious enough to let me go too. It could have been a brutal struggle, but you made the transition so easy. I'm always gonna be grateful to you for that! You're a man I hope to someday marry. Despite your flaws, I see your true heart. and it is so beautiful. So beautiful.
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