I feel like I sit here waiting for something to happen a lot. Like I'm so intense, and deep when turmoil hits my life, and I can look back on my journal and see all the growth that took place and all the fruit I was bearing...then I look back a couple days and it's as dry as an old prune. It's just limp and I want it to be alive again. But if being alive means all that pain again I start to question the motives of these desires...maybe the pain has lessened in my brain and if I were brought back to that shattering moment I would hate myself all over again. I want to be whole, but being whole can be oh-so-boring. I want something to shake my world. I want YOU to shake my world, honestly. But that's probably a really bad want. Who knows where you'll lead me. That's the fear I have...but then these fears produce so much perseverance and strength. Should I risk it? Maybe all this waiting has made me stuck. Stuck in who I've been and who I want to be. Maybe I'm just a silly girl trying to live out a dream that was never meant for her. Wouldn't be the first time, right?
