So I decided I definitely write the most/best at night when I think the most because I'm finally done talking. I talk a lot. I blab about anything and everything because it's the only thing I know how to do and I do it well. Anyways. At night I realize things that I'm afraid to admit to myself during the day. I realize that I want life to be better and I want me to be better. I want a lot of things to stay the same, but I want them to be better. But better isn't really gonna happen, is it? Better is beyond our reach. Better isn't available like it was when only Adam and Eve existed. Now we have billions of people and we're stuck in not better...not even good really. Just kind of "ok". and I hate ok! I hate not good enough. Man, I don't even like good enough. I want better...I want the best. But until I die, or Jesus returns I realize that better isn't really a possibility. So against my better judgment I end up having to settle for "ok" and "good enough". and it makes me sick! So hear I am, it's almost 10pm...I'm listening to Death Bed by Relient K. I feel peaceful, yet sorrowful. Like life isn't all it's cut out to be. Sure we get to enjoy God's beautiful creations everyday, right at our fingertips! But we'll never be able to experience that perfection Adam and Eve did. Now that just makes me really mad and jealous!! Of course when I reach heaven things will be far different...but my human, limited, restrained brain doesn't see that far ahead yet. I am stuck in the now. And the now doesn't seem so promising today. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I don't want to leave the now. It doesn't matter how much I suffer and cry and wish for the future, when it comes down to it, I am terrified to take a step forward. I'd rather be stuck in a million todays than take that horrifying step into the tomorrows. I know, what a coward, right? But it's the honest truth. I have a lot of fear controlling me, and it's awful. Fear isn't my God, yet I allow it so much power over me!! Why? Hopefully with age and maturity I will slowly conquer my fears and realize that fear is only powerful when I give it that power...it hasn't quite clicked in my head yet, I am sad to admit. But I've years ahead of me to learn that...or do I?
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